I am going to give you the keys to my place
Then I'll give you the keys to my heart
Gag me
so i am drinking whiskey and watching home alone 2 by myself. it turns out moving to a foreign country isn't all that different after all.
Skanksgiving break is awesome already... pilgrim and indian roleplay tonight.
my dog ran away and came back with a marajuana plant. what are you doing tonight?
I'm in the laundromat a drunk armenian guy keeps trying to help me fold my laundry. Ah i'm going to miss queens.
Oh just living the dream. And by living the dream I mean drinking franzia out of a martini glass and watching family matters. Also, drinking every time Carl Winslow has a mustache and Eddie wears MC Hammer pants
Just left the frat house in last nights clothes minus my earings, shoes, underware, tequilla cap, and my dignity. If you see me on your way home just hit me
"just because you look like a short version of scarlet johanson does not mean I would immediately fuck you" that was the single.most difficult thing to say. but seriously I don't want the roots of the whore tree anywhere near my junk.
On NPR this morning, farmers are feeding weed to pigs. The result: pot bacon. Life just got better.
I love this text stream: discussing the development of a business model centered around cooking acid to bankroll a yacht trip in Croatia
I want the address of the individual responsible for strawbeeritas. I want to send them gift basket.
mate iv just woke up in the garden. either help me inside or bring out my vodka
Ugh I realized he only responds to my snaps when I’m eating a popsicle
Why are male brains so small?
You're a FUCKING ASSHOLE. Love mom
I don’t want to brag, but vows, morals and will power are no match for my blow job skills
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