my mother just offered to pay for my fake id.
I really wish I could go back in time to change the course of events that led to me sitting on the internet at 3 Googling 'Traumatic masturbation' while talking to you about failed dates, and running a virtual restaurant in a video game.
i'm 85% sure that if you don't visit me i will do something awkward and potentially dangerous to you in your sleep involving chocolate milk and a sham-wow.
I'm the only adult here not drinking and their 2 year old daughter is trying to play dolls with me.. I've never been so demoralized in my life.
Only way we know if he truly fits in is if we spill straight vodka on the floor and his first instinctnis to lick it up. Otherwise, gameover.
I think im definitely allergic to shell fish. Or hungover. Probably both.
And the best part is that she's coming home to find that I completely shaved her dog.
I dreampt that we were shooting zombies while we having sex. Is that normal?
We had sex on the beach. I was completely naked except for my sneakers. That's when you know
So now I can cross "have my ass be someone's phone background" off the bucket list. You know, if it was something I actually had wanted to happen.
I sent my roommate a text from MY phone that said, "I don't know where my phone is." Must've been a good night.
I told him I want him to read me my Miranda rights while he's fucking me. Act exactly like he does while he's on duty except with his dick out.
All I’ve had today is sex and water. I think it’s time for tacos.
YOU GOT ME SO DRUNKK
i got me so drunk!
If I say I hate myself for it does it make it any better?
Randomize
