$4 taco and $400 parking ticket. i am not a cheap date.
Pls don't use the words alligator, purple, and sperm in the same sentence ever again.
he ate 15 dinner rolls and nothing else. then took a shit in the bathroom came out and blamed it on his dad. i wish i was 8.
me and this guy in my office just exchanged an "i saw you at a drag show last night" look as he passed by my desk.
I'm taking it from the chunk of pizza I just pulled out my hair that we ate pizza last night?
I think i can hear god laughing at me and yelling "thou shall pay for thy habits of underage drinking" through a megaphone directly at my eardrums
After 3 dates I think I'm failing at painting the "sweet guy with a future" picture and more painting the "this is the guy to call when you've run out of options and want to get fucked in half drunk to forget about it" picture.
Just walked into the bar to find a guy in a Boba Fett helmet leaning casually against the wall, texting. This night just got real.
Hey, I told her the bathroom was a "No fly zone" after I used it. She willingly allowed her nose to go through that pain. It's her fault, she only supplied me with vodka when she knows I only drink rum.
Cheez-its and a bottle of cab...for under $10 you could win this girls heart
Who put the meatball sub on my door handle?
MY INSIDES ARE BASICALLY BEING WRUNG BY A CHAINSAW IM NEVER TAKING PLAN B AGAIN
He was so drunk we almost didn't even make it to his place because he didn't know where he lived
he walked off and puked in the sand. then he made a sand castle over it so that "it wouldn't upset the kids"
I told him I thought I was pregnant and he told me he accidentally killed my bird.
Circle of life.
Randomize
