we're out of white wine, toilet paper and windex... too hard to explain via text
his blackberry tasks were 1. take names and 2. kick ass
Sorry for talking about super scientific shit so much last night, I know it bugs you sometimes when I don't shut up.
What? You sat on the couch for a solid 2 hours staring at your fingerprints and the only word that came out of your mouth was "how"
i just lost my virginity for the 9th time. when will guys stop believing that nonsense line
I think I would be able to remember how to smoke but I can't seem to remember how to breathe.
Last night you were talking while puking saying, "ahh the shoes and the purse, I'm gonna have to wash those"
i dont want to stoop that low. but my dick does.
There will be two dogs there to provide supervision. Not to worry.
They're taking me to ER. Mistasnkingly. Come get me.
I'm making you a bingo card for hookups of the school year 2011-12 so you can make even worse life decisions next year
You were dancing with a coffee pot of rum in one hand and a joint in the other. So that should explain everything.
Yeah man i woke up and only had a Jimmy John's wrapper covering myself..
The stripper was dressed as the green lantern. Even for a geeky girls' bachelorette party it was lame ass.
You can get gift cards to the liquor store! This changes everything.
I feel like I should send her I'm sorry I've been fucking your boyfriend flowers.
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