she always made me post sex PB&Js it was like fucking a trashier Martha Stewart
Dude, just paid my sister in vicodin to go out and buy me a slushie.
i don't remember but I assumed it was bad when I woke up with directions from his house to mine already pulled up on my phone
I knew she could be a good mother by the way she craddled three 40oz's.
Her boobs more than make up for all the flaws with her personality.
he said he wanted to butter my pancake. i thought it was sexual, but he went downstairs and made pancakes. i need to stop dating fat guys.
We made the pizza boy do Jell-o shots with us. He didn't even deliver to our house, we just called him over from the neighbors
The neighborhood kids rang the doorbell in the middle of my first bong rip to ask if they could use my trampoline for the thirtieth time today...I opened the door and pretended to puke up a shitload of smoke, I have never seen a more terrified group of children
Like I'm sorry but "it'll be fine trust me" IS NOT VERY REASSURING ASSHAT. Now take off your pants.
do you think your dog feels awkward being in the background of your nudes?
Please don't explain what tea bagging is to my mother.
Last night was a whirlwind of vodka - induced emotion
How drunk is too drunk to be on an airplane?
Got kicked out of the club and woke up at a frat house. Good night? Couldn't tell you. I got a date out of it I'm glad someone thinks my drinking problem is cute.
This is the most aggressive rendition of that Proclaimers song I ever heard.
Randomize
