I slept walked to the toilet and woke up pooping. Easily one of the most disorienting events of my life.
haha you were like: "I don't want to uh pressure you.." as you took your own shirt off
I woke up naked by my window. blinds open. smiley face drawn on my window.
Last night was epic. Hooked up with Emma Watson, found twenty bucks, and then passed out on my floor.
No you didn't. You drank unbelievable amounts of 151, passed out in someone else's bathroom, and we carried you back to your floor. Nice dreams though.
He soundtracked our prebreakup sex, our breakup, and out postbreakup sex. At least he's dedicated.
better to have posed nude and lost than to never have posed nude at all...thats what i always say
What can I say, we hook up during the holidays.. We're a seasonal couple
to which he commented "you must really like me on top". I didn't have the heart to tell him that was the only way the room stopped spinning
He came into the hospital yelling "HEY EVERYBODY! REMEMBER ME?"
You convinced her to break up with her boyfriend, made out with her all night, got her to buy us all shots then went home with a different girl...
That explains the "i hate you" text. But the facebook deletion is a bit harsh
Found my wallet. It was under my dresser with a note that said "good job you found me". Drunk me is an ass.
downside - we got stuck at the intersection before the santa clause parade started and had to wait for it to end. upside - i got frontrow seats and a blow job to the santa clause parade.
NO FUCKBOY SHALL PASS OPERATION #BITCHMODE HAS SUCCEEDED
But what we lack in money, we make up for in dry humor and drugs
Now I am free. And I want to go meet men. My phone deleted all my contacts, and I consider this to be a new beginning. With a new man in my phone book.
Randomize
