i told her that she could bring as many friends as she wanted and then she asked how many people i could fit in my bed...BEST. DAY. EVERRRR.
you're bored at work aren't you?
I'm toying with the idea of beating off under my desk
Come over? It's my birthday
How many times has that text failed you tonight?
i realized that the internet ruins the joy of a father passing down playboys to his son
Taking my tights off outside the club to give them to the homeless man was my contribution to humanity. The fact that it was snowing just made me feel like superman.
running the faucet water is not hiding the sound of you vomiting. fyi.
I just watch that 70s show all day and blaze whenever they do. It's nice being part of the circle
is it weird to think that girls born in '96 are now legal?
I have a third degree burn on my inner thigh from the blunt dropping on me in the car
Sex is always the answer.
Especially if the question is: what have I not had this year?
Is her birthday actually on cinco de mayo? That makes so much sense
He just stopped me mid blow job so he could text his wife asking for TacoBell.
I was masturbating and a roofer walked past my bedroom window.
How do I un-spend everything I bought last night? Seriously...was a penis shaped piñata and enough tequila to fill my bathtub really that necessary?
At least you can say you've literally dumped money down the drain
If I could tell my younger self three things it would be: 1. Smoke a lot more weed 2. Have a lot more sex 3. Own a good set of pots and pans
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