I would say the hottest chick there looked like Susan Boyle and the ugliest like Bea Arthur
Nice use of current day folklore
You broke her grandpas urn and ran your hand through his ashes claiming it was pixie dust. I think thats why shes mad at you..
I'm not a creep or anything, just a lost soul looking for a good lay
It was like she tried to cover up all the weight she gained with a fake tan...
And a psychic told me I was pregnant and I am just so over life right now.
IM A DRUNK BIRTHDAY CLEOPATRA MESS. CELEBRATE THAT BITCH
We made a bet that we had to talk like Yoda all night at the bars
The bachelorette party was all fun and games until the strippers came. AKA you guys.
I apologize for chief "dances with dolphins" sucking on your friends foot
Well I blew a guy I barely know in full view of a homeless camp. That's pretty tame for me.
So apparently having sex with your co-worker in the bathroom at the staff party can get you fired.
You tried to tip the Uber driver with a meatball sub. Then, when he refused your meatball sub...you demanded he take you to the corner with the hookers. The valet has your keys and water balloons. I'm glad you're only in Chicago for the weekend.
Can't talk, ducks in the car
She said she was sorry for rolling around in her own vomit. Honestly, I thought it really added to the party.
What's a nice way of saying 'I wish I hadn't fucked you.'
Everyone else's "needs" are getting in the way of my alcoholism.
Randomize
