Dude, you just left me a 3 minute voicemail of pop rocks in your mouth. Im sitting right next you
im stripping for him via video chat, but the sound is turned off cause his students are taking a test
when did we get so old that our friends started having LEGITIMATE children?
Just tried to fight the dj at cowboys because he would'nt play freebird. Pick me up now.
I cant wait for your democrat phase to be over.
Fucked her within an inch of her life. Seriously. Don't choke bitches when they ask. Was way too drunk to be pulling that shit.
I asked my mom if I was the drunkest one in the room. With 8 days till I go back to school, I couldn't care less about being shitfaced at a baptism
Moral of the story: don't get pregs or your chances in the beer league are over
Pretty sure that I got the MVP of wedding reception... woke up on the bench in the hallway of a hotel and we did NOT start the night there.
You said that we all need to "head out like a boner through sweatpants and get fucked." Jager night was a success.
No sex in the champagne room. The champagne room being my life
All of my exes are either overweight and neckbearded or dead. Someone out there is looking out for me.
I'm drunk, laying in bed, eating macaroni salad. I dropped a piece and tried to pick it up with a fork. My cleavage is bleeding and I haven't been laid yet. Heeeyyyy!!!
I'm intrigued by how his mouth tasted the same as his dick.
was that you i just saw walking down the street in only one heel smoking a cig yelling "hello sexuals" to everyone who passed??
HELLLLLO SEXUAL BEING
Randomize
