How drunk are you??
I'm flawless.
I would wrestle an alligator for a bj right now
Another f*ing night of vodka youporn and xanax. I need to get a goddamn life
3 great things that go great together... But not on a Friday night. Perfect on say... a Tuesday.
I need you to promise me that the first one to find out our kids smoke weed, takes the weed so we can smoke it ourselves
i knew it was time to break up with him once he pulled out the Halo foreplay costumes
just got passed by a van of kids watching the little mermaid. debating speeding so i can watch
Didn't u have court just yesterday for ur driving?
IT'S THE LITTLE MERMAID! totally worth another year of probation
Our 450 pound cab driver smells like McDonalds and sunblock with a touch of vodka. Correction I smell like vodka.
I WILL NOURISH YOU WITH SOUP AND PENIS!!!!!! And a sandwich of your choosing.......you like turkey?
I'm sitting on the toilet just to avoid my bosses look of disapproval
We got the DJ into it too! "If there are any dudes into other dudes out there, my man mark is looking to get pounded. Buy him a drink stat!"
Yeah I just don't know how I feel about my fuck buddy coming to work at my dads office with me.
You tried to steal my pants at 3am saying they were yours and somebody was gonna die, not cool dude
And if you put this on Facebook, I will drop live cockroaches in your mouth while you sleep and then smother you with a pillow.
You always say the most romantic things
I'm not in it for just the sex. If I wanted mediocre dick once a week I would have stayed with one of my exes.
Want to come over and dangle your tits on top of me like a skewer?
Randomize
