god I wish I could record you sometimes, you're so neurotic
im walking the streets of bville with a bag of cat food..looking for my car. i dont ever want to turn 21 again.
Dont you think its a little early in the relationship for sexting?
my mom hid the smirnoff from me. this is the most fucked up game of hide and seek EVER
After skinny dipping in your pond, I think me and tequila have added a whole new dynamic to our relationship.
Sign #1 that I'm not ready to be a mother: I'm shopping for "maternity fishnets".
just found gum connecting my sunglasses to my floor board. you don't want to know where else it was.
I'm lonelier than Tom Hanks in Cast Away, right meow. Ready to make this bong my Wilson.
Did you make me take pictures of your ass last night because you fucked on some wet paint or did i dream that?
If it's up to me, I'll already have my pants on and walking out before he gets soft afterward.
I got tossed from adult league soccer for telling a 55 year old I'd break his hip. I'm a productive member of society
I am trying to take a picture of a man in a wheelchair trying to ship a michael jackson portrait
Nothing quite like walking through a spider web on your way back in from smoking to fuck up a perfectly good high.
I just faked an orgasm while masturbating. Idk what exactly my problem is but I have one
You answered, dry heaved into the phone twice, & then hung up on me.
Randomize
