I was so hungover I threw up on her when she answered the door. i don't think it was a good first impression
Nothing says "I forgive you for puking on me during sex" like a Facebook add the next morning...
Its like a zucchini between his legs. An orgasmic zucchini.
stuck in traffic next to occupy boston. smells like patchouli and unshaven pubes
I love that your nipples always taste like clean laundry.
Dad's already had 6 Zionist conspiracy rants and moms trying to detect any "dark energies" in my soul. You have 4 days before you return to this shit: ENJOY THEM
You grabbed the hot guy that was making out with his girlfriend all night, slurred "I need to borrow this" then shoved your hand down his pants. All because you thought your ex walked into the bar. It was majestic in its shitshowness.
I just saw my 7th grade teacher at the club. We had a pretty good talk over drinks. Turns out we both like dancing on tables.
If I wear a tail on Halloween, how am I supposed to grind? Maybe I will just wear devil horns
What the hell man, you basically stole my girlfriend with a bucket of KFC.
I guess "Ass Fun Friday" is not a thing no matter how many times I say it or bring it up in conversation...
He was telling me about how he's leaving on his Mission next week... While we were having sex in the back of his car.
He asked if I had any questions. Apparently, "how thick is the stick up your ass" was not a correct question.
Its official. The summoning powers of my vagina are unmatched by anything in this world
I can't believe just smoked out of a pear
I can't believe you had a pear already made to smoke out of, that was impressive
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