Tell your broad to take a big shot of 'chill the fuck out' and put it on my tab.
I took her to see 2012 then broke up with her, the movie was a metaphor.
he just fed my chickens on farmville...i guess that's his way of saying thanks for the sex<3
I feel like I could be a daytime drinking legend, like they could put that shit on my tombstone and right now your preventing me from reaching my full potential
We're gonna have the chick that teaches kindergarteners to fold origami roll the joints.
Hey since its national brother week is that eiffel tower option with your girlfriend still on the table?
Fire alarms went off at reception of gay wedding im at. We all had to evacuate until FD got here. Then...ill just text the photos.
Grandma can hear your bong from the living room, please be more quiet. Love mom.
Have fun in Vegas! Be safe, use condoms, and take a pic of Jon beforehand to give out when he goes missing. It will help the police.
I just masturbated to the thought of him straight up talking to me. to us having a conversation. What the hell.
I want to see a guy holding a pizza and a bottle of scotch and a box of magnums. I'm a simple woman.
Oh yeah, you are a real peach except for shitting uncontrollably and bleeding out of your face.
It's OK, I woke up in a drag queen's bed last weekend. It took me forever to get the glitter out of my cleavage.
The career specialist read an Onion article to us. Please send help.
New rock bottom. Woke up at 7 am fully clothed in a bathtub full of water. I hate myself.
Randomize
