I just blew up the bathroom at work and now I feel like a new woman
there is a ziplock bag over sangria in a wineglass in the fridge...classy?
Omg. Get me out of here. Someone is playing michelle branch.
Do you think the Slutcracker will use the original score? I'll be so sad if they don't.
maybe you should do the old hyperventilate, take a shot of vodka, sniff someone's hair trick
So hungover. Have a black eye from where I tried to brush my teeth and stabbed myself in the eye instead. Should make the performance review I was stress drinking about go so much better.
my head feels like a yellow yolk spinning in a circle at the bottom of the bowl.. i may have a concussion, love auto correct
I was on all fours trying to empty the bowl we smoked into the sewer when your neighbor came out, but besides that it went smoothly
How is it that I, the only one that didn't drink last night, was the only one puking out the car window?
I've fucked him twice and literally had no idea that he's missing a thumb
This is why you are going on a date. To see if he is fun or if we need to shank him in the parking lot.
I need a fucking roommate.
You need a fucking babysitter.
I haven’t taken my socks off in over 36 hours. I should add that to my bumble profile.
His sister gave me the "if you hurt him I will break your neck" talk. I didn't know how to tell her we're not a couple.
We're sort of like brothers. Except with more sexual tension. And we don't look alike. Or are related.
So we're not much like brothers really.
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