She's perfect. Funny, gorgeous, 3 tats, been through a lot, bright. I'm in love.
yo - did your mom get a boob job (I think she did)
Thank God for loud music. There is a circus in my butt right now.
So we fuck and I say, "I'm about to go." He tells me, "No, leave at ten.. just lay here for a little while." When I ask, "Why?!" He gets his feelings hurt and says, "ugh. or don't." Since when did guys start acting like girls?
Her parents came home early, i had to hug her mom with a condom on...
she said 'i love fried rice', threw a condom at me and passed out naked.
I've taken to hiding pictures of us around his room so that he'll forever feel guilty for dumping me on Valentine's Day... And to potentially cock block any hook ups.
You've slept with me you know how lazy I am in bed.
I tried to discuss modern art with a cab driver after explaining that I only had one shoe on b/c a pitbull ate the other one. Wtf. Call me when you can.
Weird, Jen didn't know mixers were solely for coloring purposes. Don't call me an alcoholic because you're uneducated
I tried to find an emoji but none convey my excitement for receiving good sex soon
Waking up drunk is great, waking up drunk and hanging with your mom is even better.
I had sex on a seadoo on the middle of the lake lastnight
I have more important things to worry about than you drowning your cheerios in tequila.
I'm really sorry I called you a "smug, arrogant, boyfriend-fucking piece of defecation". I was super drunk.
I was going to be mad, but then I remembered you don't use autocorrect and spelled everything correctly and I was kinda impressed.
Randomize