I never thought I would get head to the lion king soundtrack
So this shipmate of mine somehow managed to throw up in his back pocket.
I woke up under a table, with a huge Mexican sombrero, a box of 120 doughnuts and a bloody nose. It all screams success.
Great. Me and the intoxalock guy are getting so close he just said "alright see you later girl!" when I called about getting the blower recallibrated.
It's like eating cereal and milk but instead of cereal it's gummy bears and instead of milk it's vodka.
don't let me wipe my vag with a dirty leaf outside of mcdonalds ever again.
Note to self: Do not bring gift bag with cock ring inside to family Christmas. Leave to unwrap at home.
apparently I crawled into someone's bed and demanded they call me 'big dog' before shotgunning a beer
She was just a sweet cute intern for us until I saw her naked in my bed the day after the Christmas party
You both ran and jumped into the tub yelling Jamaican bobsled team
Are you coming to the bday night? i'll be doing a life-like reenactment of traveling through Bonnie's vaginal canal and taking my first breath of life. Don't think you'll want to miss it.
I can bring a slip n slide and curtains.
im trying to look as sober as possible but i just poured orange juice and mayo into my milkshake.
I told my fuck buddy that I wanted one of his arms to take home with me to hold onto in bed and he was hurt that I didn't want to bring him, like as a person, home to my family. I feel like you and only you could appreciate this.
Step 1: Buy a house Step 2: Turn bedroom into sex dungeon
9 am booty call on your ex's birthday. Fuck yea
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