im having a threesome with these popsicles
i really thought "pants-shitting drunk" was an unreachable level until last night
Don't pass out before midnight like you did last year. See how much your year sucked
Tell me why Im cashing out of Walmart with Smirnoff and catfood
You spend 45 minutes trying to convince that pregnant girl you were with all night to have sex with you cause 'the worst had already happened.'
Okay, guy from work I want to fuck just told me he liked the font on my PowerPoint presentation. It is so on.
Make me proud, climb that corporate ladder.
My mom slipped a condom in my pocket along with a sticky note that said "be safe sweetie."
The things happening in my intestines right now should only ever happen at truck stops and frat houses.
The rest of the concert I just stared at the lights and didn't really listen to the music cuz I was trying to make sure my brain still worked cuz my face was numb and I couldn't move... Yeah I'm not a weed brownie person
Tabs I had open this morning: "15 hedgehogs with things that look like hedgehogs" and an unexplored google search for "how do I express my love of tacos"
I woke up in a bunk bed beside two Brazilians dude you have no idea how happy I was
THEY HAVE BEEN GOING AT IT FOR 2 HOURS AND I HEAR THEM BANGING THIS IS BULLSHIT
My little sister just helped me edit my nudes so that's how my night is going
You stared at a Swedish dude for like 5 minutes then asked him "shouldn't you be yelling at dragons"
I’m at the Eye doc, sitting in the waiting room. The woman next to me is highlighting passages in her bible. I’m watching pornhub on mute. I clearly need some penis, or Jesus.
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