im six kinds of drunk right now
this crazy girl in up in Dennys is going crazy because Bob Saget just texted her.
I want to get laid tonight but my sheets haven't been washed since vomiting in them on Halloween :(
You ended at least 6 stories with "and that's why I don't snort coke anymore"
Seriously man, I'm worried that my dick's going to fall off someday if I keep this up...
I mean it's my life so what if i want to drink Molson from my sparkly shoes and not regret anything
I swear to God, if you drunkenly correct my grammar one more time, I'm cutting you off.
Someone posted a printout of my tits on my door this morning! Where did they get this photo!?!
On one hand it was kinda weird his girlfriends stuff was at his apartment. On the other hand it was kinda nice because she had great shampoo
I figured it out! The supermoon explains how I managed to have sex with 3 dudes in 3 nights without leaving the apartment.
My mom and sister were over. When my drunk roommate came home, he yelled "GOT BITCHES IN MY CONDO"
if he ever tells me he loves me when we are sober, i am a goner. just fyi.
sitting in a shitty karaoke bar playing pokemon go and drinking a mimosa. how is your sunday night
My roommate wasn't home and I was too drunk and tired so I peed in the trash can. Twice.
My dad just informed me that I may be entitled to $1700 worth of stimulus money... looks like that hitachi is coming sooner than later. Let's hope for the best!
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