There's an old bald Japanese dude on the metra next to me. He's drinking MGD on a crowded train, and rocking out way too hard to what may be the same Dallas Green song I'm listening to. Life is sweet.
Nothing screams don't date me louder then having your baby as your profile pic
FYI you just passed out mid-blow job. Consider this my letter of resignation.
I was so high that i was talking shit about a girl I was with via text, and I handed the phone to her so she could type the shit I was trying to say.
If he thought that flying across an ocean to visit me in London constituted sex, he thought wrong.
She answered the door wearing a blanket and holding a golf club. I was too late for this party.
in line at jewel. the cashier is puking in a garbage can while ringing up customers. glad to know im not the only one that 2012 is kicking in the face already.
If I walk in on you beating off, at least have the fucking decency to STOP BEATING OFF!
You ran through a field yelling "I'm frolicking! I'm frolicking!" Then fell on your face. How is your nose today, doll?
Heat not working dressed like an eskimo. A real one with a ski sock on my junk
the bright side of moving is at least my Tinder options will refresh
Every person I've ever had sex with is in Chipotle right now.
I think him and kristen are pretty serious now.. I dont think he cheats on her, anymore.
who gets drunk at chipotle by noon and then gets kicked out? this chick.
I'm not gonna lie, but for some reason I have this strong desire to watch porn with my pint of haagen das.
Randomize
