i want to open my blinds to let the sunlight in my room, but i'm afraid my neighbors will be able to see me drinking and judge me
the EMT asked how you broke your nose and you said, "you know, the usual wear and tear."
Why am I drunk on a roof painting at 11 in the morning
i know im back at school when i can poke any random spot on my body and expect a 80% chance that theres a bruise there
Yeah, all the sudden I heard a loud "ding" and realized I had been passed out on the dorm elevator for about an hour....
U should just post that picture of u two on facebook with the caption, does anyone know this girl? If so please tell her to take plan b, thanks
If you come home soon there's a stripper in the shower. Don't be alarmed
151 hangover. Need apocalypse.
As long as you don't want to make a shrine out of my eyelashes It's all good
I found my weird threshold when Truth or Dare became everyone get naked and snort Adderall off the kitchen counter.
Why is your ex naked in my apartment?
Yeah. I found my shirt from last night while walking back to the bar to get my purse/phone this morning. I'm never going to even ask what actually happened. Be glad you moved 7 states away.
Remember, I smoked so you wouldn't have to. I'm like the Jesus of Marijuana.
one of my coworkers asked me if I was PMSing today...... excuse me sir, but it is none of your business as to what my uterus is or is not doing right now. fucker.
and yea, I'm PMSing.
He was a Cher impersonator. They are the draggest of queens
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