We're pre-gaming then going to chuck e cheese's.
If you're joking I'm going to be sad
I'm someone's dream girl. I'm hungover in this guy's bed wearing ONLY a Brian Westbrook jersey. Not the same I was on a date with last night.
And the funny thing is when I went to the kitchen this morning, all 4 pizzas were still there in their boxes, untouched. My question to you is: what were we eating last night?
Tommorow.Eggs Benedict and surprise blowjob day
They shoved things up my nose I feel violated
You had two tasks: \n1) put on a condom \n2) text me so I don't walk in on you \nIt really isn't that hard
So he's compensating for a really small penis. Either that or he's a drug lord.
In the middle of me riding him, he stopped me and said "You're the kind of person who would be restrained for being obnoxiously drunk on an airplane, huh?"
Using all my books as packing buffer for my liquor bottles. And you said being an English major was worthless.
Yeah. I made eggs in a microwave. I think that's an accomplishment this week, MOM.
Best line overheard at the bar: "This is the last time I'm shaving my ass for him...I mean we just broke up".
Is it possible to be sexually attracted to someone's hair?
Normally, it will inspire me to work. Today, it's inspiring me to masturbate.
I have a knack for carnage and poetic language.
THERE HAS BEEN GRANDTHEFT IN THE HOUSE. SOMEONE STOLE THE BABYWIPES AND YOU NEED TO BUY MORE BEFORE WE LET YOU IN. oh and you have to take two shots before we'll let you in. with no chaser.
Randomize
