if your leaving for the weekend then im farting on your pillow
pedialite and red bull = repair kit
she has a picture of her daughter riding a giant rooster.. of course i want to make obscene cock jokes
Outta milk. Using rum instead for pancake mix. Drunk Thursday is a gooo
please come over and have sex with me so we can talk about prom and kill 2 birds with one condom
These days, you and me are swimming in dicks.
Marco
Polo
Don't worry, I'm preparing for tonight by lining my purse with a garbage bag.
So guess who got away with telling their girlfriend she's insane multiple times in a Valentine's day card. Yup, this guy.
It looks like I colored my belly button red at some point
he told me "apparently my gag reflex doesn't work so if you magically grew a penis I would deep throat you"
Ok: all ex-gfs except you from the last 5 years have or are about to have a baby...be on the lookout...
Yo. What's your name again? You put "don't tell your landlord" as your name lol
I woke up to some strange woman rubbing peanut butter on my thighs
I've officially slept with/dated two guys that have gotten tased. What the fuck is wrong with me
I have seen you puke and 5 mins later rock my world. So there is hotness there that average people will never see..
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