theres a dog humping me and im not going to stop it... i really need to get laid.
the chair was smiling at me in sociology and i had to try not to burst out laughing.
She was pretty drunk. It was like watching a puppy explore the world for the first time.
how many lesbians have to have their hearts broken before they realise I am not that kind of DJ
He was just lying on my lap in the backseat screaming how if the cops came he was a blanket.
It started as ''I want a romantic life right now'' text. It ended with pool table sex.
Serious question: when you had my right nipple in your mouth, did my nipple ring have both of the balls on it, or was it missing one. Current situation: missing one.
I have a taco in my pocket for later because I am a practical drunk
You cant use biscuit as a chaser
Sorry your girlfriend got you a valentines present and you forgot to get her one.
How long will your dick be dry?
I'm not sure what happened last night but my dog has a red cup taped to his back with a little beer and a ping pong ball in it..
We invented a new game.
I'm basically cruising around listening to 90's gangsta rap with my meatball sub telling people to go fuck themselves
I shouldn't be allowed to be in america for NYE... or any major holiday for that matter
I felt the need to set off fireworks in the living room while they were having sex upstairs. Yes, they quieted down.
Whose the chick running for dorm president promising bigger dicks and softer toilet paper? That’s who I m voting for
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