Dude, I would hit that so hard that whoever could pull me out would become the king of England
Does my status still say I suck cocks? I don't know how to change it
yeah he was eating me out and i didnt know someone made popcorn so I thought the smell was comming from my vagina
wtf
At what point did we agree that playing bocchi ball on the way to the liquor store was a good idea?
I just had to blow my nose on a mcdonalds receipt in my car. Its time to stop doing coke.
This is the last weekend of getting drunk and having sex all nite with the plumber. I'm exhausted all weekend and I'm never going to finish the remodel at this rate
Congratulations, you are no longer the only person who has watched me drunkenly pee on their furniture.
Take in how we used all the shot glasses in the bar in less than an hour
I woke up with a half eaten bag of lettuce in my hand, wearing my Halloween costume from last year. Damn you tequila.
Was so drunk I had to masturbate face up cuz I thought I was gonna be suffocated by the pillows.
Sushi was just eaten off my naked body. I feel like I can die in peace now.
It says a lot about the way my life is going right now that 'there's no shit in your house' is fucking good news.
I just walked through the door and she ran up to me, hugged me, unzipped my pants and immediately started sucking my dick. Good day.
One time she showed me her pierced nipples in our high school locker room and now she has a daughter
At what point in a new hookup do you tell the guy you need to wear a mouth guard when you sleepover because of your TMJ? Asking for a friend.
Randomize
