Dogs love guiness but it fucks up their kidneys
It must be a full moon weekend. All of my weird booty calls are coming out of the woodwork. I spent 40 minutes on the phone last night telling one why he is so creepy.
i think i will get a tattoo on my butt that says "im not bluffin with my muffin", but i guess if i was serious, i would get it above my c-section scar
The seats are awesome but you see two of each player.
just went trash diving in my work clothes for weed. A&E's intervention here i come.
I keep finding coffee grounds in my vagina
My dick is covered in produce stickers. I suspect you
Some rando is vomiting profusely into the garden outside the employee entrance. Where are you when things like this happen to me?
Vomiting outside the employee entrance
When a chinchilla decides to sit on your face while you're getting head from its owner, you bond.
As far as drugs go, alcohol has all the elegance and precision of hitting yourself in the head with a hammer.
I beat my mom's friend's boyfriend in a vodka chugging competition. Our generation FTW.
If I was gonna be at your campus for halloween weekend, I'd dress up as the masked horny fairy and give out condoms. I'm so thoughtful.
all I'm saying is that my epic blow jobs have made grown professional football players cry in ecstasy
I have to remind myself to breathe. That hungover.
He wants to pour butter pecan flavored coffee creamer on me and lick it off. I'm like, dude, gross. French Vanilla ok? Ugh.
Randomize
