Here's my recipe for happiness. Go get a pen. 1. smoke a bowl 2. put on explosions in the sky 3. take a bath. Do this for about 1 hour or until all your problems go away.
Tears do usually get me what I want. That and oral sex.
this homeless guy just told me to make a wish on his magic plastic spoon but said to be careful what i wish for...
If a young child walked up to you and grabbed your penis, you'd feel violated too.
Its like "fucckkkkk yooouuuuuu" is echoing up my esophagus
tequila?
yep
We have 24 days left before I leave for college and 21 condoms left in the stockpile. Are you up for the challenge?
Lost my virginity dressed as catwoman. He was dressed as batman. Glad I waited.
Sorry about the whole your mom seeing my face up your ass situation
"DO YOU LIKE FLYING KITES" WORKED AS A PICKUP LINE. SUCK IT.
You don't marry someone you don't want to fuck senseless this is 2014 dammit
There are horrible decisions in life and then there are tequila flavored moonshine decisions
He's gonna do me a solid for doing her a solid. It's like pay it foward. But with sex.
My neighbour just came round to ask why we posted a spatula through his door at 3am. What do I tell him??
"Here let me wipe my uterus off your dick" was probably the most unsexy thing said after period sex. I should get an award
Aw. You're having cute FaceTime with your fiance, I'm trying to convince myself not to booty call a 42 year old. #adulting
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