New low: just hacked my moms facebook
where's my purse there's an important taco in it
She set an alarm on my phone for her birthday. Place: Her bed.
Wanna tell me why vodka seeped out of the memory foam when I climbed into my bed?
He walked into the pizza shop... Pulled the fire alarm.. And proceeded to dance to it...
Ahh good point. I got some interesting mental pics and I'm slowly entering a "fuck it, lets do weird shit" phase sexually, but you may have already figured that out since I've been fucking you sideways and upside down a lot lately.
You finished the fifth and then hid two dozen eggs around your apartment and declare that you would "quest for Jesus". Have fun questing today.
On one hand it was kinda weird his girlfriends stuff was at his apartment. On the other hand it was kinda nice because she had great shampoo
Well i would have gone to the bar but Satan decided to hold his rituals in my uterus.
my liver is dry heaving
Fine I'll cuddle you but only for the purpose of trying to survive
i'm really sorry, but i'm just not sober enough to make good decisions.
We saw the mini basketball hoop and unicycle and just knew we had to create a new sport
Drunk minds think alike
Apparently I gave a guy a hand job on the dance floor. ON THE DANCE FLOOR.
If you ever get divorced...would you call me??
Randomize
