Do you remember peeing on the wall and then yelling at us to stop looking at your dick?
she asked me what the final straw was. i had to tell her i caught him jerking off to digimon porn. i don't know what i'm more upset by, that he was masturbating to cartoons, or that he was masturbating to sub-par cartoons
I just wiped my vajayjay with snow. Bad idea.
At the pride parade. It's not even noon and I'm drunk as shit... for equality of course
I'm not gonna not go for it, she's foreign and pulled a shotglass out of her thong.
She started ignoring us once we told her we were out to celebrate your abortion. Who knew strippers could be judgemental?
I let a guy with dreads drive my car, then demanded he take me back cause I don't let strangers drive my car, while repeatedly apologizing for being a cock block.
we somehow managed to fit a llama, a stripper pole and a hayride all into the same day.
Is it bad I'm drunk at orientation
You've been there for 12 hours, what are you supposed to be doing
Not be drunk
An d I'd rather cry while putting a waffle in my mouth than cry on my pillow, ya feel me?
You called it motorboating but you just snot rocketed into my tits.
You leaned over to me in the elevator and whispered "how long do I have to pretend to be sober?"
I just swiped right for a guy on Tinder solely because it looked like he was holding Zoboomafoo
Partying with my eighth grade history teacher I know you're jealous
You peed in the sink and kept shouting "I'm the black swan! Ca-caw!"
Randomize
