Dibs on passing out in front of the toilet.
Can someone please explain to me how I got rugburn on my tits?
i realized really quickly that drinking a bottle of vodka and 3 crystal light packets wasn't the best idea i've ever had
It's like the only way I know how to apologize is by giving a blow job.
you were sitting on the floor eating oats. how should i react?
Dude. It just hit me for a second time. My thumbs are huge and moving very quickly. Like stampeding buffalo...
20 bottles of wine, 3 cases or beer, and 5 bottles in my kitchen... My parents are teasing me.
He offered to teach me how hula hoop in exchange for acid. I took him up on it.
You don't understand. If you watched a video of the shenanigans that occurred in my life over the past 48 hours you would gasp worse than the girl who witnessed me puking in my bag at the children's hospital
I sent him a tit pic on accident and he replied with "nice ass"
Whoever was doing lines off my iPad is a dick. Also bring Gatorade, for I hunger
For Who flesh?
we were having a conversation about big dicks and the chick at the table beside us turned to us said "me and my boyfriend just broke up a few days ago. Could you please NOT talk about big dicks"
Omg cinnamon bun Oreos. Thanks weed
I woke up to the sound of her peeing at the end of the bed at 4am.
If I shall die, I wish to bequeath to you my personal library, my sigma tau delta presidency and all it's apparel, and a puppy.
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