Got a little crazy huh? Happy st pattys day. None of you have any idea where my credit card would be do you? How do i always lose
Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
Just got my econometrics book in the mail and started flipping through it. Our Thursday parties may turn into u convincing me not to kill myself.
Her father's a cardiologist, her mom's a lawyer...she just went from a 5 to a 10 real quick.
i think i just put your shirt on , but i don't remember . my body can't decide if it wants to move in slow motion or fast forward
yeah i fucked her in the storage room on the inflatable mattress. i don't know if i should feel proud for me or bad for her.
These fall allergies are really hindering my cocaine habit.
Uh oh I Hage to dance yes, my feet are Whitney Houston
What time do you think you'll be heterosexual?
That final makes me want to drink myself into the fetal position
I know it must have been a hard break up. Are you okay?
Oh yeah, I'm fine dude. My vaginas heart is broken though. I feel bad for her, you should give her a call sometime.
I got an assistant at work. First task was picking me up at a strip club. I was drunk and trying explain how it was work related
Suspicion confirmed. my mom has her nipples pierced
Way to crack the case Nancy Drew
... drunk me broke the coffee table?
STOP TALKING ABOUT YOURSELF IN THE THIRD PERSON. YOU DID THE THING.
I don't know what's worse. The fact that my biological mother is an unwitting bigamist, or the fact that my half sister is trying to seduce my girlfriend.
Randomize
