So it's like pop-o-matic trouble, but with penises
Seriously, I would hit on barney the dinosaur right now if it meant I was going to get laid.
Stop being a whore!!! Everyone can see!!!!
were you wearing a green and blue thong last night?
yes! wait why?
because i found it in my pocket this morning...
i love waking up at 5am with an imprint of a toilet seat on my chest
the russians are downstairs with the vodka loudly proclaiming happy birthday america. i don't care if it's the fourth, i care that it's 9 am and they woke me up.
you want your laptop back?
are you giving me my laptop back, or cashing in on our break up sex?
both.
come over.
We're at the hospital. She got a head rush and fell and now blood everywhere. Smoke the rest, just save her a bowl
He and I are basically the same person, except he has a glorious penis and I have glorious breasts.
Dinner?
YES CON MARGARITAS POR FAVOR!!!! MUCHO MARGARITAS!!!
Just did an entire nights worth of bar crawl in an hour. Boom
Was she always missing a tooth or am I just now noticing it?
Yeah I would come and meet you but there's 3 polish girls yelling at a drunk polish guy in the carpark outside. They just dumped a whole pizza over his head and I want to see where this ends...
I don't need inspirational quotes. If I'm going to be motivated, it will be by anger and spite.
So, I feel bad. I just told my husband I had sex with someone else while on a business trip. Today is his birthday. I'm kind of a dick.
Randomize
