I want to walk on stilts...naked
Dude, can't find my socks anywhere....
Yeah, you took a shit in the harbor off a wall, used them to wipe. I'm sure they're still on the beach somewhere if you really want them back
yeah after seeing those pics of her puking into my underwear drawer i remembered again why i didn't want to invite her.
you didn't check your sock drawer yet did you
so he just called his new girlfriend by my name and she was too drunk to even notice how awkward..
omg. if hes just gonna get mad everytime i have sex with one of his "friends" then it was never gonna work out
Seriously your house is like the underground railroad for unwanted gay kids
I was the girl at the bar last night passing out free condoms and making sure everyone knew how to use them to keep the population down
So apparently someone caught him as he was falling. And carried him around the rest of the night.
I just went to add a song I had never heard before to my "high as fuck" playlist and it was already there.
She pulled me up to my feet by my hair. I thought it was you for a second. My drunken angel savior.
he only noticed i dyed my hair purple like halfway through sex and he looked really shocked and he just said "You look like Barney." as he came.
You spent the entire night trying to get me to make out with you
yeah I remember. your boyfriend shouldnt have cheered me on though.
I was so high. I had so much hair. It was like all my hair follicles exploded.
I swear to God if you start calling your dick “my pegasus” we’re not friends anymore
I told him that he could either pay the 10 dollars for the box of condoms or I'll make him pay for the diapers.
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