i woke up with toilet paper straight tucked up in my underwear wearing a pizza sauce mustach. I dont think i got laid last night.
You make shower sex sound like waterboarding
You both must have been completely wasted because every once in a while we would hear you both stop and start singing to each other. At one point it was taylor swift.
Is there a reason why the cops knew her name as they were chasing her?
I threw all my money on the ground and said it was for homeless people and fell down the stairs
They told you that you couldn't fit in the dryer. Man, did they eat their words. You did brake the door though.
I will always make you feel special and slightly offended. That's my job.
We smoked a bowl in front of the abortion clinic shouting Obama at the protestors.
I just paid for weed by taking him to the store to buy cheese so he could make empanadas. Best. Drug deal. Ever.
I mean I'm not saying I have my life together but I did just put nerds in a bottle of champagne and then drank from the bottle
I have bad memories with every alcohol but we manage to work through the problems for the good of the relationship
Like when I see him I look straight through his appearance and just envision a big walking penis.
I just wanted to tell you that the German word for "dickhead" can also be translated as "ass violin" and I think that's beautiful.
There was a clear and well defined point last night where I could've decided to go home but no now I've woken up with glitter all over my nuts and potentially an std or 2
Yeah, let's go with that. Fuck that weak moment of complete honesty I just had.
Randomize
