Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
no. you can't hotbox the world.
He asked me how my body knew that a month was up when it was time for my period.
Just registered some guy for opium withdrawals. WTF opium withdrawals, who does opium anymore.
Happy graduation...we are now officially unemployed alcoholics!
The kid taped his penis down so that he wouldn't get a boner while dancing with girls. Oh these middle school man whores never cease to amaze me.
Definitely just blazed with the housekeeper. That woman needs a raise
We opted you as the sacrificial dick tonight. We need our patron cafe. Go make some moves.
I'm about one sudden movement away from being able to cross "throw up in a fortune 100 company's bathroom" off my bucket list.
And don't try to lose a condom in me tonight. My vagina is not a storage compartment where you can just leave something and try and use it again later in the week.
Having to crawl on my hands and knees because I woke up with a mysterious broken foot this morning...
I'm at that point in my life where stripping isn't the worst thing I would do for money
I've run into almost every guy I've ever slept with today. It's like they know just how horny I am.
I’M DRUNK AND EXCITED.
Ya, It's probably because whenever I close my eyes I see a kitten playing a banjo.
Randomize
