college drinking is stealing all my money, thank god planned parenthood is somewhat free
Literally 6000 elephants in my backyard.
I want to have a prehistoric party. By that, I mean I want to dress up as a dinosaur and get drunk. That's all I want in life.
my boss told me he would look for my wallet when he went back to the strip club tonight.
Their car went through the first bag of wine on the drive up...clearly 6 bags was not enough.
you were standing in two feet of water, screaming at people walking by to "call river rescue".
Went to anytime fitness at 3:34 am drunk after the the bar and getting whataburger. Lifted weights with my cheeseburger between my knees. That's called DEDICATION.
I was giving a campus tour, when a drunk senior came up behind me and shouted at the group, "If Jesus ain't your homeboy - get the fuck off this campus!" Looks like his religion course is paying off...
I'm like a walking PSA for tequila shots
I give you full permission to fuck a rando on my air mattress.
What do you want to swallow. Press 1 whiskey press 2 rum
Don't know why you're always hating on relationships. I've had chocolate pancakes accompanied by a blowjob and a blunt and it's not even 9 am. Time for mid morning shower sex. Enjoy your morning bong bowl alone asshole
Dude we smoked with a bunch of random stoners in a forest, then group hugged. It was the most magical thing we've ever done.
Let's celebrate that I used a condom
Laying in bed naked is fun. I now see why guys love boobs... They're sooo bouncy! This long distance relationship is really killing my sex life.
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