mark looks like s**t tonight! thank da lawd we broke up!
it's mark...i'm guessing you didn't mean to send that to me...
at some point when you're making out with the ex girlfriend of your ex fuck buddy who happens to be the ex boyfriend of the girl that you just got drunk with who was hitting on your current fuck buddy who is best friends with your ex boyfriend, it just hits you: oh my god i need to get out more and expand my social circle.
I figure if he loans me money i only owe him sex for the rest of the summer before i pay him back, right?
Every time a guy reaches down to touch my vag, i feel really sorry for all the transgender girls who still have a penis there.
That's weird cause every time i feel a girls vag i feel way worse for all the guys who reached down there and got a penis.
She walked in the room and sighed really loudly fishing for attention. but I didn't bite cuz I don't give a fuck what's wrong with her.
you said the mailboxes were turning into babies and they started crawling away. then you cried and asked me how you were gonna get your college acceptance letters
She was surprised when she saw all our living room furniture was made from old kegs. It's like she's never met us before...
My ex came to my place while I was gone. Random things he took: snow shoes, my laundry quarters, a decorative picture, all my condiments, the container that held my rice and a sticker off my wallet. Then left a note saying he watered my plants and fed my cats. What. The. Fuck.
I really resent how she stayed home and ruined my plans to watch sci-fi and masturbate.
He said "I can't wait for you to feel me inside of you so I can tell you gently that you're mine" and left me a 4 minute voice mail of him crying after I told him I didn't want to be with him. 30 year olds are off limits.
I have an erection and I'm about to go through airport security.
ok, i suppose pissing your pants could be considered a wardrobe malfunction.
no he just sat there holding the hammer and grinning insanely
So apparently there is enough alcohol to get me to agree to going to a strip club, but when I have enough they don't let me in.
i only got to wear my halloween costume for an half hour before it got taken off.
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