too bad you live with your parents still
If he can handle my muffin top then I can handle his front teeth.
I can handle NPR. I speak hippie. I took it in college.
buying booze in bulk is always a bad idea. i wish there was some direct deposit-like system
I was gonna make fun of her but that plan kinda stopped once she put my dick in her mouth
This titty bar has wifi. I just did FaceTime stage side
Sorry for punching you in the face last night. I should have known the boxing gloves were a bad idea from the start.
We were laying in the basement dry humping to the rhythm of the washing machine
This spray tan I used isn't working out. I spent an hour exfoliating and rubbing the damn stuff in with rubber gloves. I wanted the alluring, sun-kissed, sexy look. I've achieved smelling like burnt popcorn and the cats won't stop licking me. I'm a salt lick for cats.
Shawn wouldn't stop singing about his cock on the ride home that night it freaked my girlfriend out how consistent he was
he went down on me to a drake song and now i think i need a penicillin shot
These past few weeks have been a lesson on why you don't put your penis inside girls who live in your building.
2015 is the year I FINALLY ALMOST had enough dick to satisfy me.
I made a bucket list last night. Number 5: Will marry a wizard.
Went to waffle house after dropping my sister off at school and got into a heated argument with a drunk/hungover philosophy professor I will not name. I won the argument.
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