i just realized that no matter how many potstickers i eat, i will never be asian
He never called back after I emailed him my booty call contract.
he used a semicolon in his bootycall text, of course he's not gonna go down on me.
I pretty much gave up on you when you told me you couldn't go home yet b/c you had to stop at church first. It was 2 AM and you insisted you were late for mass.
i bought a pregnancy test with dimes. Is that trashy?
I'm considering telling her about my dream where I made a sex tape with her boyfriend. you know to test our friendship
Tempting. But I already used the alcohol poisoning excuse at work this month. No way he would believe it a second time...
So basically he tried to get out of the car and crawl on the highway with the broken leg because he didn't want to go to the hospital. It was not a good time...then we got pizza though.
there's chocolate cake in my bathtub.. I don't even want to know how the hell chocolate cake wound up in my tub..
He just subscribed to one of my Spotify playlists. The next step is sex.
I have the WORST cramps EVER. I think this is gods way of saying 'you're welcome, last warning. stop being a slut.'
He won't have sex to beyonce. I hate him.
Did you just tell me you watch cartoon porn because it's more real?
Well then she has to know whoever you were kissing was in overalls because that's not a detail you just leave out.
According to my snapchat story, I tore a fake wig off a security guard and ran away with it.
Randomize
