WE WERE REALLY IN A PORNO LAST NIGHT
A horse told me not to drive home last night. I think there was a cop on top of it.
He gave me an orgasm with his left hand...and he's right handed. Of course he's a keeper.
I just realized last night I drunk-bought a flight to Florida for this weekend...kinda torn between the price and the potential of awesomeness
Every perfect package comes with a warning label.
so apparently I plead the 5th to every question they asked me when they put me under the conscious sedation to set my broken wrist
I don't know if it's the amount i drank last night or the number of taylor swift statuses on facebook but i feel like puking everywhere
she said she was living bicuriously through me.
you said candy land and then passed out.
ps. we found your stash in the candyland game. Thanks.
It's like a new game! Find out if he's circumcised without actually seeing it
Why do you think she gets more guys?
well her prof pic is her in her bedroom looking hot and mine is me looking terrified while holding a giant spider at 6 flags, so there's that
New one-upper goal: I have to shit off the side of a moving train then jump off
hey if you're going to the hospital do you wanna pick me up a taco on your way back
I'm happy in my shell. My shell which consists of keeping guys in the friend zone and me masturbating...
"what's it like being a dancer turned stoner" well, i can change the netflix using my feet mid bongrip, so there's that.
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