mom just said that her bf is good in bed. fml.
i am watching a movie about a vagina with teeth and then you sent that to me while im eating sushi.
I just woke up in my car with half the wedding cake next to me. This will not end well.
Vegas is awesome. Its like you have a kentucky accent girls automatically assume you don't have herpes.
she tossed me in the back of the car and said "god gave u the gift of life and I wanna swallow it"
I feel like banging her is an expected thing. But banging you would be like getting a 36 on the ACT.
She's singing So Happy Together to her burrito, I want to be on her level.
i'm way too high for it to be safe that i just discovered i have a fire extinguisher
I'm having horrible flashbacks of being groped by Pauly Shore.
Her stripper name is Geico. I'm not drunk or creative enough to make this up.
There is nothing more embarrassing than your birth control alarm going off while in a meeting with your boss and they tell you to take it.
Annnnd I didn't even notice there is a guy dancing in a jock strap beside me. That explains girls smiling at me
I'd marry him just to keep his penis in the country
I'm going to make you a sign to put on your penis to ward others off
My vagina is the only part of me that is pleased you lived through last night.
Im going for myspace 2006 goth bitch. Your worst nightmare
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