Make note: the first date is too soon to make the "condoms are only for making balloon animals" joke.
Santa Clause just drove by me on a fire truck. Epic night begins.
i knew she was high when she broke up the cookies into her glass of milk and ate it like cereal
Listen, this was just a tiny lapse of judgement.
I'm pretty sure that's not a synonym for pregnancy.
I just realized I'm trading you a pregnancy test for the morning after pill...
It's been a bad semester.
let's see, i ended up walking for an hour towards a macdonalds that didnt exist, sprinted full tilt into a powerline, and left a 30 dollar tip to a waitress at dennys we made friends with. I REGRET NOTHING
Sooo the theme of my 21st is rapidly becoming Gay Mexico
The 12 year old son winked and made eyes at me while his father fed me vodka gummy bears. Gameday yo
do you remember in the middle of fleeing from the cops you stopped in the middle of the road to make out with quail man?
And we're now at 8 people from the office coming to my desk to ask me "do you feel better?".
Oh no. Not her. Her personality clashes with mine in ways that would make me wanna beat myself with a stick.
There is nothing worse than the batteries of your vibrator dying on valentines day
Explain why there's a meatball in my bong
She's going to jail in a few weeks but she just got a boyfriend. Yet I'm still single as fuck.
i told him the only way i'd fuck him was if he saved me during the zombie apocolypse and took me to a tastefully decorated yet impenetrable hideout.
Randomize
