my passenger side seat is covered in alcoholic jello with a nude mannequin in it
So you had sex with my brother?
It sounds like you dont need me to answer that.
she was like the girl next door.. if you lived next door to a whorehouse
at least the cop wrote "happy birthday" on the ticket.
He brought a jar of pickles to the party. So now I've had beer, animal crackers, AND a pickle since noon.
PSA: Morning booty calls are no longer accepted after the hours of 6am when I've been drinking or before 11am when I have not. Your cooperation is appreciated.
You passed out while holding my hair during a blow job.. i think your gona have to earn back blow jobs
I woke up to a head of lettuce on my nightstand, someones Honda abandoned in my yard, the cat partially shaved, and a empty bottle of sailor hanging by a scarf from the rafters. Oh, and 26 people apparently came though and rubbed my back in the process of the night. Happy 23rd to me!
As an added realisation of today. If we used the last time I got laid as a conceiving date I would have a two week old baby. It's been too long...
The party invite said "this ain't no lame stoplight party, you come to hookup or you don't come" I feel like their honesty deserves out attendance
Not to mention having our pick at the ensuing sausagefest
Don't forget the part about the bar bathroom stumbles.
Oh damn, you're right. I have to include that. You turned off all the lights with your head. That was impressive.
You were so high that you only FaceTimed me so that you could stare into your own eyes and not actually say anything
I just smoked weed with my physics professor. Tell me how my life is this.
Checking my Tinder matches as I sit here in the waiting room at Planned Parenthood. I can't be stopped.
Crying while I'm pooping. I think this is rock bottom
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