I found a girl on our couch wearing lederhosen this mornig... I dont know if i should be impressed or ashamed
I call biggest shit show at the party. I welcome all challengers.
Jumped in the kebab van and said he was Ultimate MasterChef. Incurred wrath of six angry Turks. I got free chips.
When I tell my children how I survived hurricane Sandy I'll probably leave out the threesome
There is always the bar, but 2 30 on a Tuesday just screams alcoholism
It's the best! If I had one wish it would be for life to be one really long gay porno. Thats what I wish for during every 11:11.
Dude he took a shit in the lake and it just floated around and lingered near our boat for 2 hours. I fucking hate that kid
About 98% sure I just walked by some dude jerking it in the library. I'm guessing his college experience isn't going as planned
You drunkenly said something along the lines of "move forever" to the lady standing in your way. Needless to say you had too many mimosas at breakfast.
I think if I send him enough nudes, he will buy my plane ticket.
Dude I was tripping acid when she was crying and I literally couldn't defend myself
I wouldn't marry anyone who wouldn't symbolically fuck a doughnut with a sausage though.
My little brother came home while I was sitting there icing my vagina with a bag of peas. Asshole looks at me, high fives Ryan, then leaves.
If pulling your dick out counts as a hobby that is his.
That same damn squirrel keeps staring at me like I did something wrong. Nature knows when you're hung over.
Randomize
