haha omg you stole $185 from a passed out drunk indian on your porch and called the ambulance??
savin' lives aint cheap
yeah, i liked him til i heard he had a sac that could apparently smother my face.
My face smells like last night's lay. I need a whore bath. Or a corndog.
words cant express how excited I am to make January 1st our own personal version of The Hangover
We aren't going to mix hockey and sex texts tonight.
I totally agree. all sexting is on hold till after the games over.
Playoffs. This shit is serious.
so you told her it was a 'nam scar? i mean, how old does she think you are.
Don't worry I drank 7 more beers & brought home a guy that bit me at the bar.
They usually take it with their boobs. It's like a horizontal motorboat
Cheers to being single today. There's an entire box of franzia with my name on it.
I'm permanently fucked. Every liquid I put into my mouth automatically tastes like fireball.
You literally just told me you're ditching me because of pizza. PIZZA? Wow.
I'm kinda sad I'm leaving the bank. I never got to have rough sex in the vault.
Saw a thong on the yellow lines of the street when I left this morning, are they yours by any chance?
yeah....try hearing them in person. it sounds like two muppets going at it
i am also 80% sure that my shirt glows in the dark.
Randomize
