I want to buy you liquor! I want to kiss your face.
I have the sudden urge to buy a Snuggie and wear it to the grocery store.
Y do pigs give u trufles on farmville? I WANT BACON YOU FUCKING PIG!
I finally had sex with him last night, but we used a condom so it doesn't add to my number of sexual partners.
I don't have any swimsuits that don't show off the weird handprint bruises on my hips. Do you have a onepiece I can borrow?
Oh you don't have to buy a shower curtain, I stole the one from her bathroom. It has dolphins on it.
I got a letter from the home owners association saying its against policy to have sex on the trampoline.
My boss just told me not to come back to work if I decide to drink. Challenge accepted.
Are you wearing clothes?
Fuck no, who do you think I am
Watched an eagle swoop down and eat a rabbit on my walk back from your place, literally too high to handle this right now
Wikipedia just saved you three hours and $30 on a bar tab. You should donate.
$5. Donated.
She said she didn't know what fireball was. We are no longer friends.
I thought about mashed potatoes the whole way home
For whatever reason, whenever she's drunk off Crown, all she wants to do is jerk me off with her feet.
I think I'm just going to get a farm, a vibrater, and a lot of wine.
Randomize
