he's the Salvador Dali of pubic shaving
Dude a guy just showed up with alcohol and a bag of double cheese burgers. I think I found my future husband.
My wife googled 'purchase vibrator.' Not sure if I should be excited or offended.
well you decided to make everyone "drinks" which was sprite and beer mixed.
This santa hat i wore to the bar, served it's dual purpose as a vomit bag.
we were at work and Infront of the whole bar you yelled. "JAKE I WANNA GET FUCKED TONIGHT!" Us day drinking > everyone else
I need rollerblades now
Rollerblades pick up bitches
I mean I kinda plunged vagina first into my last relationship
make that a herd of moose. they will be my moose minions
I woke up to my roommate checking my pulse
Well. Now I feel like I put pants on for nothing.
He literally just patted me on the vagina and said goodnight to it.
He does impressions. Handy knowing you can get fucked by one guy and pretend a group of celebrities is running a train on you.
You ruined the universe
The last thing I remember saying was "Tequila for all!!"
If you count the sounds from the room down the hall....that was definitely NOT the last thing that came out of your mouth.
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