I fucked **** last night, don't tell mike
this is mike. we're done.
well I can't set my house on fire every night
So.. my mom just told me she hasn't gotten laid in 7 years... I'm really disturbed.. at the same time... At least now I know why shes so damn cranky all the damn time
Please don't tell me you're asking me to have sex with your mother.
just woke up with an anonymous loaf of bred in my bed and a piece in my mouth. this says alot about my life.
I havnt had this much beer since i losodt my virginity. thank. god.
You left a trail of sequins from your dress incase we got lost
Somebody left a mini pitcher in the bathroom. Think its safe?
Sorry I didn't take you making out with him all night as a hint you wanted nothing to do with him...
Either I'm still drunk or the right side of the bed is now the left side.
My costume for the end of the world party was a success. Everyone in the ER thought I was there because I got hit by a car when it was actually from alcohol poisoning.
So I just sent my ex a video snap chat of me getting head from some Venezuelan hottie with the caption I still love you. Think she'll take me back?
I don't care if my next phone has to run on the blood of virgin koala bears, I don't want to be scrambling for a charger.
He's been pretending to be gay for 3 months in order to get free weed.
Unintionally got shitfaced at study group this week. The waitress brought out a fishbowl of long Island iced tea. Challenge accepted.
I dont know if hes kidding... but hes drunk and said hes going to shave his balls. Alert your emt friends
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