He sent me a video of himself jacking off. I am not kidding.
WTF??? Isn't he married??
Yeah but his wife is at a birthday party and I guess he's bored. LOL
Woke up in an unfamiliar basement in a sleeping bag with Matt to a police officer shining his flashlight in my eyes and asking me my birth date and social security number. My morning went swimmingly.
hey just checking if u still hate me for sleeping with your sister?
I'm way too drunk on a Sunday to handle this level of Jesus.
So I woke up today with someone's door knob in my pocket. I hope everbody else got out of the house ok.
Vaginas are confusing as hell with all their secret compartments and shit.
I'll get my vaginal cartography poster.
oh good. ive just found out that i went downstairs at 6 am still blacked out and had a 30 minute conversation with my mom about the different ways to feed our dog
my mom and grandma just had a splits competition. slut runs in the family
I don't even know where to begin....there's queso sauce and public hair stuck to everything
Are you coming to the bday night? i'll be doing a life-like reenactment of traveling through Bonnie's vaginal canal and taking my first breath of life. Don't think you'll want to miss it.
I can bring a slip n slide and curtains.
I just had to remind myself that I'm visible in real life. Sitting in the car in a parking lot, and almost took my shirt off because the tag is itchy and I wanted it off... and you know I don't wear bras...
I feel like I was playing penis roulette last night nd I landed on the wrong one.
Uhh I just had to break up with a guy who I didn't even know I was dating...
the guy next to you kind of looks like a penguin. i'm going to fuck him
I texted him back and I am so nervous I may vomit up all of the soup I just ate.
Randomize
