tell ils to like buy her flowers and like a balloon that says, sorry I tried to fuck your sister. I think hallmark makes some of those cards too.
i have now learned nap means the same thing as sex in college
the girl next to me just texted someone in her phone named Optimus Prime
...i wonder what he did to earn that nickname
I want to punch and suck your dick at the same time. I don't think we have the healthiest of relationships.
I feel like we're taking advantage of the fact that our R.A has cerebal palsey.
he locked me out then poked me with a fork when i tried to get in through the window
I'm also glad were at the point in our friendship where my vagina talking to you isn't weird
I just took a shower and found half a cookie melted under my boob. Please tell me there's a reason
I'm gonna let my dick speak for itself from now on. Seriously, it's always recruiting for me even after 6 hours of drinking.
She's a freaking stalker dude, it's like having some kind of cartoon animal just following around everywhere
HELP THE ONLY THING THAT'S HELPING ME DISTINGUISH BETWEEN THE TWO OF THEM IS THE DIRECTION OF THEIR WINKY FACES OMFG
I am going to paint butt plugs like little Christmas trees and give them as gifts.
You could paint cock rings as wreaths.
The oven caught fire. I put it out, but called the fire department just to make sure it was okay since the smoke wasn't going away
You just wanted to meet firemen
I havent moved from the couch and I'm licking peanut butter from a spoon, I'm a beautiful person.
After this weekend, all I can think about is bald eagles flying in front of fireworks and giving birth to fucking uncle sam. Also, beer.
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