Why did I wake up with "How to masturbate" on my youtube search bar?
You told us you forgot how, and started to cry.
when I woke up she was standing in the living room with a bottle of scotch because she is "allergic to hangovers"
Just bought plan B with a coupon. Told the pharmacist I like to keep it classy.
Every day you talk to me ... I literally love you more..
today is my dealer's birthday. i dont know whether to give him the day off or call him saying happy birthday ill take a quarter please
I developed a drinking game for WoW. Everytime I die, I take a shot.
Please get laid.
then he compared my vagina to a dishwasher. A DISHWASHER?!
he's doing fine. just headbutted the wall and threw up
ive cried into many a lonely burritos..
So I craigslisted sugar daddies and I'm pretty sure I found us one if you can pretend to be asian.
Pizza rolls are incredible. They are like sex, except I have them sometimes
The cops came, and I made friends with him. He wants me to babysit his kids.
Had the best sex Thursday night then Friday night I met his girlfriend. The worst thing is we became friends like she gave me her number.
Still drunk on my morning "run" which has turned into a walk. Just burped fireball
I cant go through life without knowing what ginger pubes actually look like
But actually he solved 40% of my life problems just in one dicking
Randomize
