On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
No, you can still breathe under the balls.
Yep just saw a license plate that read "taint 2" which implies there is a "taint 1". Only in Florida
Last night I ate parmesan cheese straight out of the container while watching Chelsea Lately. Look at what happens to me when you leave.
Tonight is one of those "I'm wearing a shirt as a dress" nights because I need to get laid.
i just found this napkin with your number on it in my jacket pocket. it reads amy, drawing of a wine bottle and a house
We were just at different life stages. He wanted to get married and have kids, I wanted to take MDMA and fuck my roommate.
I got back at him the only way I knew how, by hooking up with the guy he hates from their rival fraternity.
Yesterday you said I was the best.
No. I said you DID your best. There's a huge difference.
He was too drunk, and my mother and I ended up babysitting him. He told her I have amazing mouth skills, and that I love the "chorizo" he feeds me. All she said was "And on the list of 30 things you never want to hear about your daughter..." while gripping the steering wheel.Please just fucking kill me now.
I know you're aving fun across the room but I can clearly see you getting a handy. It's not as "low key" as she promised. Also, why are you texting while she's doing it?!
Happy 4th. Did you guys get your syphilis thing taken care of?
I think I just got drunk texted by my psychiatrist
It's my day off, I'm going to Target to check out Moms in yoga pants
dude, next time you say lets go on an adventure, tell me if there are going to be psychotrophics involved before hand.
Randomize
