is it odd that your cat looks tougher than you?
More dangerous that a broken heart and a shotgun.
Have introduced beer-pong to my work's Tuesday lunches.
So i learned you can't hair-of-a-dog jaeger hangovers.
i have a queen bed, a cherrywood bed frame, and gold sheets. how are you saying no to me right now?
I really want to throw this drink in your face but it was 6 dollars that shits expensive
Today's weekday brunch started at 2pm, and consisted of $7 of sandwich and $50 of cocktails. Also, I hustled the bartender for about $3 playing nickel poker, but he may have been letting me win. Either way, he didn't get into my pants.
So far today I've found 3.5 million dollars in savings. Pretty sure management is gonna start buying me hookers if getting laid has this much payoff
We are gonna sacrifice to and pray to every god in this world that he doesn't find out about her sleeping with his old roommate.
Last night was good. Things got bad when I found a sledge hammer.
I'm currently trying to figure out a way to fill the bathtub up with mashed potatoes so when he comes over he'll know what's about to hit him..
This is either the best idea i've ever had or the worst. stay tuned.
YOLO is a great motto until you end up with Chlamydia
I'm hungover and in a fort. And I hate you.
So many questions
THERE IS JIZZ ON MY CEILING. HOW THE FUCK IS THERE JIZZ ON MY CEILING
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