Dude I gave him a bj because he was upset about the NFL draft, if that doesn't lock it down, i don't know what does
You were dancing on the bar and fell off into the arms of the hot bartender. It was like a fairy tale, with more alcohol.
Eliza got arrested. What's the protocol on eating an arrested person's sandwich?
im pretty sure this vending machine only exists when im drunk
I'd like to bring you 40 virgins and treasure chests of gold to make you feel better
It feels kinda weird thanking you for sucking my dick, but I just don't know what else to do right now
And now I have fucked a local celebrity so double free drinks at bars.
Also I owe you 20 bucks, a clean towel and a glass of scotch. I'll even throw in a blow job
Dude random question. Where you with me when the vulture got electrocuted from the power lines and fell on the sidewalk in front of us?
I just watched a stripper purchase $43 of Rockstar and corn nuts. Godamnit! We need helmet cams.
I'm sitting in my car avoiding a customer. Apparently the new year hasn't affected my attitude nor work ethic
Apparently I've texted the word shitfucked so much it auto-completes it now.
I just called my grandma crying, apologizing for being the first grandchild to have premarital sex...I'm either about to start my period or pregnant.
He said we were going to get fucked up in the woods so here we are
FYI there's a girl here with happy daddy written on her tits
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