note to self: Never ask your girlfriend to have a 3some with your ex...
he kept kneeing me like he was playing footsies... only then i realized it was his dick.
Next weekend I am getting a library card and staying my whore ass home.
u were so high that u chewed on candle wax for an hour
I decided that just having that story under my belt and being able to tell it to my grandchildren is worth the regrets of the evening.
After I threw him out he walked down the street peeing in stride. I almost wanted to let him back in.
vodka bottle broke. scooping it out of the plastic tub with a shot glass into a sprite bottle using a ziplock bag as a funnel and straining the glass out with paper towels. good thursday night?
It was awesome explaining why I had a tiger with boxers in my bed, a little bit drunk, to a girl in a pre-sex moment
I think I'm interested in anyone that recognizes I actually have a pulse
She's all pretty and bubbly and nice and I'm sitting here stoned looking like Lucifer.
Let's not fuck on an air mattress tonight...I'd rather get rug burn.
Just jerked off with bubble wrap. Not as awesome as it sounds.
She had a baby Jesus butt plug
How do you say, "I love you, but i prefer sex with someone else." in a good way? Ponder that over a jack and coke and get back to me.
Thanks for wearing matching bob ross shirts to the bar with me and referring to every guy as a happy little accident
Randomize
